Disillusioned Perceptions

Have you ever been so intensely engaged in something, that you lose all sense of reality?
Yeah, sounds serious, I know. But, it's not. It's just a bit mind-boggling.

To explain my oh-so wonderful, almost psychological question: Yesterday afternoon, I became insanely obsessed with a little tween show titled, "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" (isn't it lovely how they portray our teens these days? Not too far from the truth, to be perfectly honest.) Since summer has begun, I have grown... bored with my time. Kevin is still unable to speak with me, close friends have been unable to associate with me, and I've no car to drive off somewhere at this time. With so much spare time, I decided to do some of those things that we all 'mean to do but never get around to doing them'. You know, maybe you wanted to check out that new show on ABC, or maybe your sister is suggesting a book that she judges is to die for, but you just don't set aside the time to do it! We all have those things.
Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked. So, I decided to look up the TV show I'd heard about off and on. I had watched the season finale whenever it aired last year, and decided I should fill in the blanks.
So, I began to watch the show. At first it was annoying, what with the mediocre acting and the 'lovely' portrayal of how sex-hungry men are, and how 'loving Christian families' are. I'm not sure if men (or teenage boys, if you prefer) are that desperate to 'get laid' at that age, but I find it a bit vulgar. And what if that's the truth? What if men at that age (not including home-schoolers, although I'm sure there are some sex-hungry fiends in that area lurking around also) are truly THAT desperate to lose their virginity? It's pathetic. I also found the portrayal of Christian families (true Christian families) a bit disgusting. No true Christian is that happy and positive about all that crosses their path. Maybe the "luke-warm" Christians, like my mother calls them, are like that because they put on a happy face, 'cause that's what they think they should do. Anyway, I don't feel like going on, ranting about that part. I'm getting sidetracked again.
Okay, so I continued watching it, and found it to get better. It became a slow ADDICTION to me. It's like how Betty (the online prositute the down-syndrome boy ordered) explained becoming addicted to cigarettes. First you have one, and it's not so bad. Then you have another, and it's all good. Then you have a third and you're hooked. It's just like that. I thought hey, this isn't so bad. Then, it's pretty good. Then all of a sudden I couldn't stop watching it!
So then I became obsessed with if Ben would stay with Amy through the pregnancy, what Ricky was up to with Grace, if Grace was naive enough to stay with Ricky, or if Adrianne would give her father a good solid chance. Oh yeah, and if Amy's dad would get his head out of his arse and grow up. He acts like a 15 year old. So immature for an adult. No wonder Anne wants to leave him!
You see what I mean? It became my world. I lost my reality in this show. I became part of it, and lost all sense of what I live in. My mother had to drag me from the computer just to let the dog out (15 times I might add; I swear the dog just tinkles a drop or two then comes back in. Every 10 minutes I tell you.)
And you know what . . . it was nice. It was nice to live in some other fantasy world, to live in some made-up character's problems. It was nice to think that I wasn't part of my own world, and to be away from my own set of problems for just a little while.
Ah, but all good things must come to an end . . . until June 22nd. I'm still not through with the first season. I'm contemplating spacing it out a bit . . . I'm on episode 18 I believe. Jeeze, 18 episodes in a little over a day.

Anyway . . . I believe I know the reason behind my obsessive, unrealistic yearning to escape my own world: I'm getting depressed.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, the happy-go-lucky, always laughing, always smiling young woman is having a bit of trouble keeping her chin up. It seems every day has a thousand blows straight to the heart for me. No, don't pity me, I'm just venting.
My dad never calls me back anymore. My Grammy never answers her phone. I found out I had a cousin who just died. Kevin's mother is doing her absolute best and trying her hardest to make this relationship fall to pieces. Oh yes, and I might be moving away from my beloved home. The end of the school year doesn't help; summer means staying at home most of the week with little to nothing to do, except try (and epically fail) at getting at least an inkling of pigment in my pale skin. Staying at home doesn't help the depression; going out and seeing people besides my family brings my day up a knotch. I love my family dearly, but spending 24/7 with them doesn't necessarily help.
I'm also tired of having a broken heart. Go ahead, roll your eyes at me, but you haven't a clue what a true broken heart is. Roll your eyes again; I dare you.
My broken heart is not torn because of silly boy matters. This boy broke my heart, I hate him. Pfh, I am not so petty. This broken heart is caused by the damage and pain of wanting my family to be whole. No, my parents are not divorced. It is a complicated story. To shorten it up for you: My biological father live 5 hours away, along with my girls and Grammy. My mother and (I hate the term) step dad live here with me, along with my brother. When I'm away from it all, the pain is numb, but I fear that soon the wound will be reopened again. My dad bought a house, so I may be visiting soon. I'm strong though; I can take it.


Anyway, let's just hope and pray this all gets better. I've had too much drama lately, and I'm not the type of girl who likes a lot of drama. I love me my movies, but damn I hate drama. Too much pain for those I love - including myself.



Anyhoo, I suppose I should be getting to bed . . . it kind of is 12:48 A.M.

Adios, amigos


P.S. I really want to learn spanish now . . . I mean come on, the way Adrianne and her mother speak to each other? The way they sound? It sounds so fun!


P.S.S. I promise, I'm done . . . once I finish season 1 and until June 22nd.